Revenge of Randomness
by Lady Nightlord
Summary: Oh no! Phoenix is back with 3 chapters of random attacks to the characters of FF7! What chaos will ensue? THe first in a series of Randomness for many anime I love! Next is Hellsing!
1. Spork Attack!

**Revenge of Randomness**

-Spork attack!-

Dinner in Seventh Heaven was somewhat of a war. Today was oddly quiet. The dim lit bar was enveloped in silence that could spell mayhem and chaos for any. There were two people sat at the table glaring at each other, another two looking between them nervously and two kids who were giggling to each other. Vincent Valentine sat with his spoon halfway to his plate of pasta, crimson eyes glaring at the one opposite him. Yuffie sat there with her fork almost at her plate of pasta, glaring back at the black haired man.

"You eat pasta with a fork," Yuffie sniped.

"A spoon, idiot," Vincent retaliated, electricity flew between their eyes.

Tifa and Cloud gulped, both quickly leaving the table, Marlene and Denzel just giggled further.

"Erm...Phoenix," Tifa called up the stairs, "dinner's ready."

Yuffie looked at Phoenix's plate hungrily, "if she's not here in three seconds I'll eat it."

One...Two...Three!

Her fork launched towards the plate of pasta but the clang of metal stopped her, a spoon in her way.

"Vinnie," growled Yuffie.

"Yuffie," Vincent growled back.

An all out spoon and fork fight broke out, both using them like swords. Yuffie leapt onto the table brandishing her fork at him.

"Take that! And that!"

Vincent easily blocked her blows with his spoon of doom before aiming at her face, Yuffie's fork aiming for his.

"Am I interrupting?"

Both stopped mid fight to look at Phoenix who was sat at her plate of pasta looking at them with a raised eyebrow.

Yuffie sat down quickly, still glaring at Vincent, "we'll see how Phoenix eats it!"

Said woman looked between them before shrugging and pulling out....

Vincent's eyes slowly widened trying to see what she had. Yuffie trying to grow taller to see better.

Phoenix drew a spork.

There were two resounding thumps as Vincent and Yuffie fell on the ground, smashing sideways. Phoenix seemed oblivious as she dug into her pasta eating it within seconds and clapping her hands together.

"Thanks for the food!" she beamed at Tifa and Cloud who were looking just as gobsmacked.

The two kids were giggling madly before pulling out a spork each. Vincent and Yuffie sat back at the table as if nothing had happened.

"Rubbish," Yuffie muttered stating to eat her pasta.

"Definitely, whoever made a spork was clearly lacking brain cells," Vincent concluded, both unaware of three glaring people armed with sporks.

"SPORK ATTACK!!!!!" shouted Phoenix launching at Vincent and Yuffie, the two kids shouting war cries as they flew at the two.

Vincent and Yuffie's screams were heard all across Midgar.

* * *

**Moral: Don't mess with the spork!**


	2. Shampoo

**Revenge of Randomness**

-Shampoo-

Cloud faced Sephiroth, panting as he held his buster sword in both hands, sweat rolling down his face. Sephiroth however was as calm as normal, long katana held in one hand. Dark storm clouds rolled overhead.

"You're going down Sephiroth," Cloud panted, "and you will stay dead this time!"

"I'd like to see you try," Sephiroth scoffed, his long silky silver hair flowing in a breeze, shining in the little light.

"Hold it, hold it! HOLD IT!!!"

Both turned to see Phoenix stood there, a big smile across her face that even made Sephiroth flinch back.

"Phoenix?!" Cloud gasped, "what the hell are you doing here?!"

Said crimson haired woman waved to him before running over to Sephiroth, stopping in front of him looking up at him with big innocent eyes. (yeah right)

Sephiroth's eye twitched at her, clearly she didn't care that his sword was very close to her, nor that she was very much going to be dead within moments if she stood there any longer.

"Mister Sephiroth," Phoenix clasped her hands behind her back, "what shampoo do you use on your hair?"

The world went silent. Cloud's jaw fell to the ground, his buster sword falling beside him in shock. The whole world shouting, 'WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!!?!!?' Sephiroth blinked, blinked once more and then for the hell of it, blinked again before breaking out into a wide smile.

"L'Oreal."

Cloud fell sideways, his face deathly white, eyes sunken into his shrivelled face, his soul flouting away in shock and horror.

Phoenix clapped her hands together in happiness, practically bouncing on her feet.

"Can I touch your hair?!"

Sephiroth looked at her warily before nodding. Phoenix bounced behind him and ran her hand through his hair.

"Ooooooooooooooooooh!" she finished with a squeal, "it's so soft and shiny!! How do you do it?!"

And for the next hour Sephiroth told her how to make her hair shiny and soft, Phoenix stood there taking notes on her notebook, nodding vigorously. Then as a present he pulled out a bottle of L'Oreal, his hair whipping round as he turned his head to look at Cloud.

"L'Oreal, because we're worth it."

* * *

**Moral: Don't look down on the power of shampoo in the hands of a villan**


	3. Eew! Jenova!

**Revenge of Randomness**

-Eew! Jenova!-

Kadaj held the box that contained Jenova's cells holding it triumphantly over his head as Cloud glared at him.

"I will finally be back with mother, the only one we love."

"Are you really going to bring Sephiroth back?!" Cloud shouted angrily.

"Of course brother."

He drank the leaking cells of Jenova from the container and there was a sound behind them.

"Eew!!!" Phoenix ran round in a circle waving her arms like a madman, "JENOVA INCEST!!!!!"

Cloud started laughing until Kadaj turned to Sephiroth. Said silver haired man had Cloud suddenly pinned against a wall smirking evilly at him.

"OMFG!!!!! YAOI!!!!!"

Both of them looked at Phoenix as if she was crazy. She ran over to them jumping up and down, her shirt reading, 'yoai fangirl.'

"Are you seme or uke?!?!" she practically screamed at Sephiroth.

Cloud burst into tears, "leave me alone!!!!"

Sephiroth looked thoughtful, "Seme."

Phoenix squealed glomping them both before standing back, "now you two kids be good to each other!!"

Cloud's scream was heard through the land, "WHY ME?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?"

**Moral: Beware of Yaoi fangirls!**

**That's all for Final Fantasy 7 Revenge of Randomness! The next series of Randomness will be poster for HELLSING!!!! Time for Alucard to meet his maker *insert evil laughter***


End file.
